Growing Up Feeling Like I Had to Be Perfect

Blog Published on February 28 | Written by Mayu Bonnit

Growing Up Feeling Like I Had to Be Perfect

In my Asian-Filipino household, your grades were more than numbers—they were a measure of your worth. I still remember visiting relatives during summer, hearing the same question over and over: “Ano ranking mo this school year?” (“What’s your ranking this school year?”). At the time, I thought it was normal. I thought being loved and accepted depended on my performance.

Every test, every report card, every little achievement felt like proof that I belonged—or a warning that I didn’t. Like many kids growing up in similar households, I learned to push, to overachieve, and to silence my own needs along the way.

Looking back, I realize how heavy that pressure was. It shaped my perfectionism, my people-pleasing tendencies, and the constant urge to prove myself. Studies show that children of immigrants and high-achieving students often experience higher levels of stress, anxiety, and self-criticism, especially when navigating collectivistic family expectations (Fung et al., 2023)

Through reflection, growth, and now my work as a therapist, I’ve learned that our worth is never defined by numbers, rankings, or accomplishments. True success comes from honouring ourselves, embracing our humanity, and living in alignment with our values—not just achievements.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy provides a safe, supportive space to process these pressures, challenge perfectionistic beliefs, and explore your authentic self. A therapist can help you identify patterns, build coping strategies, and reconnect with what truly matters to you, beyond grades or expectations.

If you grew up feeling like you always had to “perform to belong,” know this: you can rewrite the rules for yourself. Therapy can guide you to embrace your growth, your imperfections, and your own definition of success. You don’t have to do it alone.

Resources:

Fung, J., Cai, G., & Wang, K. (2023). Personal and family perfectionism among Asian and Latinx youth. Cultural diversity & ethnic minority psychology, 29(2), 235–246. https://doi.org/10.1037/cdp0000555